In the book Family Scripts, John Byng-Hall explores how we are a sum of our experiences and moulded by what happens in the past and the present and will be further altered by events that befall future generations. I was struck by a sentence he wrote when describing family myths which are ideals, tarnished images or reputations derived by a consensus of the family unit. “Anyone who challenges a current family myth is liable to become scapegoated”.
This idea seemed incredibly intuitive. I looked long and hard at the sentence, pondering the ramifications of such a simple truth. How and why do family myths evolve? Why would a family myth be challenged and what would the consequences look like in a wealthy family? This is certainly a complex area and at its core two prevailing systems exist which are at odds with one another: the laws of nature dictate that the family, its business and wealth must evolve, adapt and change throughout time in order to survive.
The second is a system of culture which family enterprises seek to forge stability, succession and to preserve and extend their legacy.
Families set themselves apart by the ways they react in different situations and by the intricate relationship within the family and larger society. Over time a set of usually unarticulated values and mannerisms create a way of being or a family script. Family scripts develop organically without prescription or strategy. Firstly, we try to re-enact methods and styles of parenting we recall with great fondness which can be transitioned to the next generation.
Conversely, we as parents, seek to alter the parts of our childhood which we try to forget or at least we think could have been improved upon. The last family script mechanism is a style of parenting which does not reflect the family’s normal DNA but one that is improvised and learned from another family. We watch how other families bring up their children and take the parts we like and start to import them into our own homes. We create our own family script and values which we will pass in some form onto future generations.
Family myths help to forge an identity that sets us as families apart from one another. Family myths give rise to values and shape reputation and provide some promise of immortality to the older generation and become a benchmark for future generations.
At the outset of the family script and during the formative years in a child’s life, parents have great responsibility and sole influence over their offspring. Parents provide an understanding or meaning for the lives of the children through rules, stories and their cultural heritage. A family mirror emerges which becomes part of the next generation’s subjective reality.
Ironically, family members that are born into prosperous families with powerful and shaping myths will often struggle to forge their own identity. The next generation may feel the need to create their own sense of the past and understand their own identity for the future. They will need to tread carefully as the prevailing ruling older generation have been successful with wisdom they believe can be transmitted. The next generation may want to put their own indelible stamp on the future but must surely respect the myths and scripts that have established over time. Identity with the business and its wealth makes members of these family systems both acutely aware of their family mythology and the heavy duty that is expected from them.
In later years in a family business it can be disastrous when roles are cast out and the next generation are assessed and their assumed abilities are seen as below par or only some family members are deemed to be effective. Labels can damage self-esteem and become self-perpetuating. It is incumbent on parents to be equal and not create roles, to not give out a gold prize, to not favour any child and to think and encourage that their children can accomplish anything. scripts and family myths are examined more closely by the next generation. When children become adults and start to analyse, reflect and replay their lives, especially when they marry and become parents, they may start to realise that their adaptive strategy was in some way flawed.
In a family business, when the next generation refuses to defer to their elders as the previous generation did, they challenge the entire structure of the family script and the ensuing myths. Should the next generation bite their tongue or confront the inconsistencies that have plagued this doubt? For some families to question the higher reality of power will have profound consequences and both their family and business relationships will be severed forever.
The family script may have seen the business leader equate his love for money as time was spent away from his wife and children concentrating on making money in the business and consolidating the wealth. An inheritance may be the pinnacle of love that can be demonstrated. For the younger generation however, they may feel that their way of showing love is to spend time with their elders, show interest in their hobbies and support them emotionally. If the next generation are to be true and update the family script and create myths of their own for their children, they must decide whether they refuse to be taken somewhere they do not want to go or how they deal with a set of values they potentially find oppressive. The way they go about challenging the older generation and their presentation will matter.
