I have spent my life working with hundreds of young people, more recently with 18-25 year olds, mentoring them through the opportunities and challenges of wealth, and other issues set against a background of wealth. I have seen young people lacking motivation and direction, families worried about the decisions they are making and struggling to see how the next generation can be trusted with succession. Others though are wanting to succeed, not sure how to and need support and guidance as they strive to fulfill their ambitions.
I am often asked how to create the relationships that have allowed those I mentor to be more content, address their issues and live more purposeful lives with an increased understanding of themselves, people around them and their role within a family.
The answer came recently while reading a book by Carl Rogers. It asked one question which brought into focus all that I do and have done. From a consideration of that question came four principles which underpin my approach and which form the basis of any supportive or mentoring relationship. The question was this: ‘How can I create a relationship that a person may use for their personal growth?’ It’s a powerful question. As I replaced ‘a person’ with the names of people I mentor, it became even more powerful and I learnt how those relationships are created.
Principle 1: Have unconditional positive regard. For me this means a total and utter belief that the person is doing their best and wants to be their best. It is not always easy but it is effective, it may not always be true but believing it is has a tremendous impact. I am not sure how the neuroscience of it works but as people pick up this attitude of mine, it frees their thinking and emboldens their actions. Their perception improves, behaviours change and the reality of things becomes clearer. They become more confident and accepting of others.
Principle 2: Listen, listen and listen. “People need to talk because that’s how they think.” I am constantly amazed at just how powerful listening is but most of us do not listen properly. We are more concerned about what we are about to say, we help people finish sentences and take the first thing they say as what they truly mean. Sometimes people are expressing their thoughts for the first time and they are not even sure what they think. To interrupt the process is to interrupt progress.
Principle three: Consider trajectory. I once sat down at a lunch with 14 adults. One father was moaning to me about his son, that he was wasting his time and his father’s money, squandering his opportunities and position. He rather gleefully told me what he had put in place to ‘sort him out.’ I disagreed with his approach and over a few minutes the rest of the table fell silent as they began to listen in. I then asked him whether he knew where his son stood in relation to a few months ago, to last year. To his credit, in front of the whole table he said he didn’t. After a few more questions he realised how important this was and could see that his son was actually doing quite well, that his trajectory was upwards, slow but upwards. He had not taken time to see the whole picture. Jordan Peterson understands perspective: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.”
Principle four: Keep walking forward. One sees the word passion everywhere. Speakers at graduations tell those collecting degrees to find theirs and follow it. But I believe this can be dangerous. Not everyone knows what their passion is and there is no guarantee that everyone might have one. Asking people to find it can lead to anxiety if you have no idea what it is. And what if you do discover what it is but can’t find a way of living it out? More frustration and disappointment. People also use their search for passion as an excuse not to find a job or to drift, which is not always positive. Instead I ask people to consider all and any opportunities that come their way, to take them, to keep walking forward. Given young people’s propensity to do what they like these opportunities may end up being their passion.
None of this is rocket science, but that does not mean it is easy to do. Being positive in the face of some situations takes resolve. Listening properly takes energy, concentration and the subjugation of self. Having perspective may mean you have to lose your aspirations for those of another and consider their journey.
Although not a panacea, I do believe that these principles will protect and cultivate the human capital of families, and in so doing, the financial capital too.
Nick Phillis is a mentor and trusted advisor
