Narcissism is almost a prerequisite for success within family businesses but extreme versions of the narcissitic personality or “toxic” narcissism can have implications for the succession of the business and the health and happiness of other family members. Indeed this article outlines the pathology and traits of these grandiose egocentric individuals, explains the impact they have on the next generation and suggests some strategies for next generation who have
to live and cope with this behaviour.
Types of Controlling Owner
Broadly there are three types of controlling owners:-
(i) “The Ambassador” who wants to do the right thing for his family but does not know how to and will welcome help in governance, succession planning and any other tools to help organise the family better.
(ii) “The Jedi” who believes he will live forever and will put off any succession or governance until a later date.
(iii) “The Toxic Narcissist” who does not like or seek other peoples advice, knows better than everyone else and will do whatever suits him or her personally as extended family are merely extensions of their own personality and pawns in their game of power.
Both “The Ambassador” and “The Jedi” may display some healthy narcissistic traits but not at the dangerously poisonous levels of toxicity.
How did Controlling Owners Get So Toxic?
At the heart of toxic narcissists are, as Judith Viorst describes, “experiences with unempathetic parents; parents who could not or would not be available for their offspring; parents who were rejecting or disapproving or disappointing or simply uninterested. Sometimes the troubled narcissist had parents who did offer love, except this was the wrong kind. Their love was not for the child but only for the child-as-ornament, a self adorning flower in the narcissist’s lapel”.
Narcissism begets narcissists. Viorst describes, “such narcissitic parents unconsciously use and misuse their children. Do well. Be good. Make me proud. Don’t aggravate me. The unspoken deal is this: If you bury the parts I don’t like, then I will love you”.
In a successful family business this can translate as “Do what I want and you can have the money but only if you do what I say”. The stakes are high and it is risky not to conform.
Children brought up by narcissistic parents perceive themselves as being bad. As a result, they have a lack of self-esteem and at their core is the heavy weight of shame. To cope with this intolerable condition children develop what Sandy Hotchkiss describes as “by-passed shame” which looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding a protective
barrier of denial, coldness, blame or rage. It can never be “my fault” and the shame must be directed outward.”
In terms of early child development, a mother’s love by its very nature is unconditional. Erich Fromm says “she is the natural soil, the ocean and provides stability and order. The father represents the other pole of human existence, the world of man-made things, of law and order, of discipline.” His love is more conditional and with socio-economic development and the ability to pass assets and businesses to the next generation by way of an inheritance, fathers seek their own expectations to be fulfilled.
Fatherly love has to be deserved and can be lost. Obedience is a virtue and its punishment, the withdrawal of fatherly love. Since his love is conditional, children may be inclined to do something to acquire it, maybe compromise their own aspirations but above all they must be obedient to receive the inheritance of the toxic narcissist.
In an ideal world, a father’s love should be guided by values; it should be patient and tolerant, rather than threatening and authoritarian. It should give the growing child an increasing sense of competence and eventually encourage autonomy. Children born from these extreme toxic narcissistic parents often follow their parent’s footsteps with this learned behaviour. They become didactic and totally myopic and look to recycle their childhood onto their children. In the business they look for a clone of themselves within the next generation so that change is not necessary and the dynamics can continue into another generation.
Traits of the Toxic Narcissist within Family and the Family Business
A narcissistic toxic parent demands certain behaviour from his children because he sees his children as extensions of himself, and needs the children to represent him in the world in ways
that meets his emotional needs.
A narcissistic father who has a family enterprise may demand that his son, who had always been treated as the “favourite” in the family, enter the business as well. If the son chooses another career, the father may reject and disparage him. The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the father’s needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse, angry outbursts, blame, attempts to instil guilt, emotional neglect, and criticism. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment is to enforce compliance with the parents’ narcissistic needs.
Within the business the toxic narcissist may react to any criticism from peers or workers but especially family with feelings or rage, shame or humiliation. They are often extremely difficult to work with in a constructive manner for this reason.
To achieve financial success they may take advantage of others to achieve their own goals and therefore compromise the values of the previous or next generation. Sometimes they have a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love which can have disastrous consequences in their love lives and business transactions.
In their personal lives, narcissists use their charm and the allure of their grandiose fantasy lives can offer a delicious illusion, which is often incredibly seductive. They maintain that they are wonderful lovers, great in business and would make wonderful parents. In reality once married, they prove to be unempathic and selfish. Their relationships invariably end in divorce. If there are children from the marriage, the narcissists will see them as an extension their own ego and there may be problems ahead for the relationship between children who themselves are intrinsically self centred and the narcissist.
Narcissism breeds other narcissists in some cases and so in their personal sibling relationships it is possible that there are other such toxic individuals. The conversation between two self centred sisters is a short one and pathological rivalry is a common feature of the narcissitic sibling paradigm. If the narcissist has siblings that are not narcissitic, it is likely they will still be at odds as their value system has little or no overlap and again this may result in a deep family feud.
As well as poor family relations, high friend turnover may be prevalent as they are unable to recognize and experience how others feel. This can result in deep envy of others. They hold a belief that their problems are unique and can only be understood by other special people. They require constant attention and admiration and have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
If the narcissist is running and controlling the family business, it can be quite literally unbearable for siblings, children, wives and friends. Their health and happiness is at risk but how can they cope?
Strategies for Coping – The Next Generation
1\. Next generation need to understand themselves, their feelings and what buttons are being pressed, how the narcissist’s behaviour is being used to manage shame, remain detached and don’t retaliate or project back.
2\. Even if the world of the narcissist is alluring understand the reality of situations, see people for what they are, do not feel that you are special because you have been invited into this world, understand what goes around comes around, don’t try and change them and finally understand you are ok and they are a narcissist.
3\. Think and plan ahead of meetings so you are in control, enlist allies, understand the power play and what both parties want, work through any anger issues and don’t expect to get your own way.
4\. Try and establish reciprocal relationships by spelling out each other’s part to play in the relationship, understand when it’s time to give and take and be valued, respect each other’s boundaries and don not keep score of who is doing more.
If the narcissist’s behaviour is more than mildly irritating but manageable you are coping. Ultimately however, if it feels unbearable, it may be time to cut off and protect yourself. Life is not always perfection and your health and happiness are your worldly riches. If nothing else theses coping measures can work to keep a healthy check against your own manifestation of any inherited narcissism.
The Second World War generation and their children have transcended a parenting style and a legacy of many toxic narcissists who have led their family businesses with disastrous consequences. However the current therapy generation of parents with their more nurturing style seek to right the wrongs of the past and perhaps in future generations we may see the demise of the toxic narcissist and the creation of another hideous monster.
